For years Iv'e been searching for the right person..the right partner to be with..I tried everything... signing up in gay social networks...going to bars every night..even showed off my wild dancing just to catch attention... I was too young...naive... on the verge of desperation...The Love vs Infatuation always kicks in ..when I think I found "the right one"...It always ends up to be false alarms..They usually say "just friends" or "forget me"...
Hopeless romantic..that's what I am..I still believe in soul mates and serendipity.. But why am I searching? Because I was never given proper love and attention growing up.. So when I find that person that my heart chooses.. I'd give all my love and attention... Selfish ain't it? but that's what I want..
I would usually fall for guys which I consider my counter part ... the aspect of yin and yang and all...only 2 persons loved me for who I am and some just fell just fell in love because they had to give me a chance first before they can say their feelings..Sometimes I even day dream that the one that I love and like the most hits his head in a pavement and tells me the 3 words..8 letters... just say it and I'm yours...for me it's just easy to spit out the words I LOVE YOU... but for others it's really difficult... It really hurts me a lot especially if the guy that I like entertains others while he tells me he just wants to be single for now... I don't have any right to be mad.. but for them to gloat in front of my face is an intellectual insult...
I don't have Anuptaphobia I'm just longing for someone to hug..cuddle..love and take care of.....maybe the ones that I chose to love has Philophobia... it's their prerogative anyway but It just hurts...It's so difficult to move on from a person that you never even had...
This kind of situations doesn't help on boosting my self-esteem and confidence...When I'm in the self pity stage of my life ..I look back at the persons who are saying I'm ugly...which at times i'm also agreeing..."maybe no one has liked me for who I am because I don't look good?"my friends always say that I deserve the best partner and I'd just have to wait..the one that cannot hurt and lay a finger on me...but I'm really not that patient...I always tend to look...and look...
When can I find the right person? when will that time be? I am happy as a person...happy deep inside.. but what saddens me the most is nobody dares to approach me and say.."hey I like you".. Looks is a given basis... I don't want to be a hypocrite... when someone tells me I'm choosy... My rebuttal would be "I'm ugly enough.." Maybe I myself is shallow... but I know..I deserve to have my perfect person...
The last person I fell in love with told me that were just friends... he also told our friends that "he's just a friend to me" .. so with that said... I'm forcing my feelings to be forfeited... If he's happy with us being friends then I'll give him that permanently.. I really tried my best but my feelings are far too strong... So when I mean to say stop..it really ends there...The thing that makes my feelings stop for a person is when he can't even say he appreciates me in a special way when he's with others...
I know my limits..and I know when to stop in love and war... and also I know when to hold on.. saying you stopped but just waiting for the right time to attack...that's what I did last time..I said I'm okay with us being just friends then showed my feelings again after I thought of the right time.. but there's no right time for this person he's really determined for us to stay just friends even though I asked him to just give me one chance...a chance to take care of him..fetch him at work and bring him home..just those simple things...
For me he's a diamond.. very hard to break ..you'll definitely be challenged ... but ones your exhausted from all your efforts..you'd just deal in breaking emeralds instead...being in love when you have a personality like mine could be dangerous... dangerous in the sense of being sad for a very long time... but ones you have redeemed yourself... which I'm soon getting at... you'll feel much better but in the future your gonna fall in love again... and it's another gamble ... but ever since.. mine is a cycle... a cycle of my heart breaking...
Soon I'll completely erase my feelings towards him... even our common friend told me..." It's okay to give your feeling up for him... he wouldn't even care and he'd loved that..so why bother continuing your feelings for that kind of person?" I'm so stubborn... I know that this day would come...but I stubbornly continued...now all the I told you sos are raining...and I'm willing to accept it.. I know my friend are doing this because they love and have concerns for me...
But I'm really hoping and praying that I would find my right guy... I'm not interested for someone perfect... just the one that would courageously say...
"I LOVE YOU VON!"
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